For a number of reasons, big and small, this month has left me unable to string together a coherent sentence, let alone compose a logical and witty blog post. In light of this setback I offer this sloppy list of ten reasons why I’m speechless.
1. Our insurance is insisting we drive three hours to get Greta’s leg braces despite them being made at their local office five minutes from where I work. “In network providers” can suck it.
2. At least five people have told me Greta will be a better person for having to overcome adversity this month. Well intentioned attempts at dismissing my child’s struggles can shut it.
3. A student told a story of teaching an impoverished child in a developing country with cerebral palsy to type. I never thought about Greta’s ability to type before now. That was a dart I didn’t see coming. I spend most my life clicking away at a keyboard and never thought about this before? What kind of mother does that?
4. Two words: family drama.
5. My contact lenses fog up every time I cry making me spend most of each day in clouds of white.
6. I tried to read that inane book “The Happiness Project” and follow some of its recommendations and ended up feeling so angry at my failure I became certain I was reaping some kind of reverse happiness karma for criticizing its inanity.
7. My work and travel schedule has made it so I rarely get to see my own kids for days at a time. I miss them, I’m afraid they’ll forget all about me and the things only a mommy Jess can do, like teach them the dance routines to Lady Gaga videos.
8. After all the research I’ve done I’m afraid I know more about hemiplegic cerebral palsy and Greta’s stroke than most the new doctors I meet, which is scary and frustrating at the same time.
9. Things like huge breast cancer and autism awareness campaigns make me jealous. Then I feel guilty for feeling jealous. I am so heavy with guilt already that adding this new stone makes me feel like I will sink into the ground and flatten under all the weight.
10. Everywhere, every place I look there are healthy twins in happy smiling pairs. See above jealousy/guilt/shame cycle. How much grief can a heart hold before it bursts?
See… better not to say anything at all. I promise next week to have a list of 10 things I am grateful for, but for now...screw it.